Knitterly Things

After two years of getting no where in the baby department I have a new obssesion, knitting! I'd been thinking about trying it for awhile but just never convinced myself to do it. I could never figure out how some string and two pointy sticks could turn into a scarf, hat or blanket. I understood that you took the pointy sticks and did loopy things to the string but what happened when you got to the end of a pointy stick? And how in the world did one accomplish anything that wasn't a rectangle or square? Well, in just over a month I have unlocked so many secrets of knitting. I've managed to go from making a plain old, garter stitch scarf to trying out a simple lace pattern scarf, a hat for Ashton and now socks! Here is a sample of what I've been working on:

Is it possible for the honeymoon to be over before it starts?

I don't think I'm ready to parent a teenager. Or maybe just not the particular teenager that I will be parenting full-time in December. It seems that the more time goes by the more Jarrod is pushing the boundaries we're trying to set. His bedroom has been a mess for over a month. I've told him several times to clean it and he'll go away for awhile and come back and say he's done. There are still clothes everywhere (despite him having an empty closet and built in drawers) and the clothes that he has put away are just shoved in drawers. We also found out last weekend that he's been stealing from Ashton. At our house it was just 10 or so Hot Wheels but at my parent's house Ashton had about $3 turn up missing after the last time Jarrod was there. We've also found some reading matieral that isn't appropriate for children stashed in the bathroom cabinet where Ashton could easily find it. Danny and I were in need of a break and cancelled last weekends visit but we can't do that every week so something needs to change.

In other news, Ashton starts Kindergarten next week. We have a "porch visit" tonight where someone from school will come talk to us for a bit and then Thursday is the school's Open Opening (basically an open house) where we'll get to talk with his teacher and the other kids that will be in his class. He's excited and nervous about going to school all day all week plus he'll be riding the bus and he's not too sure about that right now. He seems to think he won't get to spend any time with me after he starts school so I've been reassuring him that since I changed shifts at work I'll be home when he leaves for school and when he gets home and I won't leave for work until after he goes to bed.

Also in the last few weeks I've taken up knitting! After a few stressful weekends I decided I needed a hobby to keep me sane. I do some cross-stitching but that takes more concentration than I've had lately and I've always wanted to try knitting so I bought a kit and some cheap yarn from Wal-Mart and dove in. My first project was a big scarf that I gave to Danny. It turned out pretty well so I decided to try an afghan. The afghan is a pretty big project so I also started a scarf for Ashton for those times when I just want to work a few rows quickly. I'll try to get some pictures of my projects posted soon!

2 Years Ago...

I naively thought that within a few months I'd be pregnant. We should have a baby by now. We could have even celebrated a first birthday by now. Sometimes I really feel like a failure because I can't do the one thing that every other woman I know seems to be able to do so easily, most of them without even trying. Of course two years ago all I wanted was another child and it does seem like in a way I will be getting one. Jarrod has told us, his counselor, his foster parents and his social worker that he wants to come live with us. His counselor is going to be helping him write a letter to the judge for the next court date, July 22. So two years after agreeing that we wanted another child Danny and I may become the proud parents (well, dad and step-mom) of a troubled 14-year-old boy. Not exactly the family addition I had imagined two years ago but I told Danny yesterday that maybe this has been God's plan all along. If Jarrod comes to live with us all of our bedrooms will be full. Hopefully my mind and heart will get the message that our family is full and I'll stop wondering if we'll ever have another baby.

Finally, Picture Time!

We've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to post any updates or get any pictures uploaded. Jarrod has continued coming to stay with us on weekends. It's been going so well that last weekend he got to stay from Friday until Sunday. He's even started talking about what will happen if he gets to come live with us permanently but I don't think we're anywhere close to that point, if it will happen at all.

In other news, I'm starting a new shift at work on Friday. Right now I work 2:15 to 10:45 pm but wih Ashton starting school in August I knew those hours wouldn't work very well, I'd never see the little monster! So I'm going to start working nights, 9:00 pm to 5:30 am. I'm kind of a night owl so hopefully I'll be able to handle the transition to sleeping all day.

Now on to pictures!


8th Grade Graduation


Jarrod's Boy Scout Troop in the Memorial Day Parade


Ashton and Jarrod at Exploration Place

I'm sure there will be many more pictures soon :)

It's Official!

Our walk through was today. Not really what I expected. I've spent most of the week getting Jarrod's room ready and cleaning the house. When the social worker got here she walked in the door, asked to see Jarrod's room, said everything looked great and left. She didn't even peek at mine and Danny's bedroom (which is still the messiest room in the house) and barely looked at any of the other rooms. I'm just relieved that Jarrod's room is ok. The previous owners used it as an office but in the real estate description it was listed as a bedroom. It does have a closet and built in drawers but it doesn't have a window and there's a door to the garage off one side. The social worker didn't say anything about any of that though. She actually said it was a really nice room, yay me for getting it ready!

So now it's official, Jarrod will be coming to stay the night tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited. I hope him and Ashton get along and Ashton doesn't bug him too much. I think we'll stop by the store on the way home from picking him up to get things for dinner and breakfast and lunch Sunday. He's diabetic but I think his diabetes is worse than Danny's so we'll need to watch the sugar and carb content closer. We don't usually go too overboard with sweets though so we should be ok.

I should have a bunch of pictures to post after the visit, I'll just have to make sure to not keep putting off uploading them.

Quick Update

Danny and I went to Jarrod's 8th grade gradution on Monday and then had a nice dinner with his foster mom and his mom's family. Actually his mom and her family pretty much ignored us but that made it nice, no bickering. I took some pictures and will try to get them posted soon.

Our walk through has been scheduled for Friday at noon. Danny has been having Friday's off but because of Memorial Day he'll be working this Friday so I'll be the only one here. Jarrod's room is almost ready, I just need to move a few boxes out of the closet and move the old treadmill out of there. The house needs a good cleaning too so I'll be busy with that tomorrow. Hopefully all of this hard work will pay off and Jarrod will be able to start doing some weekend or overnght visits with us soon. I have no idea how much work goes into getting approved to foster parent but I have a feeling that what we've been doing is pretty close to the foster approval process.

Saturday we'll be going to visit Jarrod again. His Boy Scout troop is going to be in a Memorial Day parade and we told him that we'd come and bring Ashton with us (Ashton didn't get to go with us Monday). He seemed really excited about finally getting to meet Ashton and Ashton keeps talking about when Jarrod gets to come visit us. Hopefully the excitement continues after the visits start and we don't run into too many problems.

Long Time No Blog

It's been awhile since I've done a blog post. I've thought about writing one a couple of times but procrastinated to the point that I forgot what I was going to write about. Really things have been pretty much the same in IF land. I'm wanting to have my second surgery soon but money is making me put it off for awhile. We're going to be doing a program with our mortgage company to try to get our house payments lowered, Danny is looking into getting a cheaper car and we're trying to find other ways to cut costs. Unfortunately it looks like we'll probably be filing for bankruptcy soon though. We have a lot more money going out than coming in right now. I hate to resort to bankruptcy but I also don't want to lose the house and both the cars.

Danny has continued his visits with Jarrod. At one visit Jarrod asked the social worker on his case when he'd be able to do some unsupervised visits and she told him that he'll probably get to do unsupervised visits with us before he gets to do any with his mom and step-dad. I got to go to last Monday's visit and might get to go to his 8th grade graduation tonight. Danny and Jarrod are so much alike, they sat and talked about cars the whole hour. It will be great to have Jarrod come here but I'm not sure my brain will be able to handle all of the guy talk. We did a parenting class on Friday to meet one of the requirements of Jarrod's case plan. Now we just need to have someone come do a walk through of our house and we should be good to go with unsupervised visits.

Ashton lost another tooth a couple of weeks ago. We went to Kindergarten orientation and he seems really excited to start school in August. He says he wants to play baseball this summer but I haven't had any luck finding a program for his age group.

My fitness efforts have just not been happening. I have a big problem with motivation and temptation. I love sweets and all things not good for me food wise and can't seem to get myself to love exercise (although that's probably because I haven't made a real effort to get any kind of schedule going). It's gotten to the point though that if I don't lose some weigh I'm going to have to buy new clothes and I don't have the money for that.

Happy Birthday!

Tomorrow my blog will be one-year-old. When I first started blogging I thought I'd blog about TTC for a few months, then I'd be blogging about pregnancy and soon about being a mom of two. Instead my blog has become about secondary infertility, endometriosis and being a mom of one.

With summer rapidly approaching almost two years have gone by since I convinced Danny we should just go for it and try for another baby. Lately I've been wondering if maybe it's time to just accept that Ashton will be an only child (besides Jarrod). Money has been tight and I'm not sure when I'll be scheduling my second surgery. I'd really like to have all of the doctor's bills caught up before I add to them but right now we don't have any extra money to throw at bills. I hate that our decision whether or not to have a second child is being affected so much by money. Other couples only have to worry about the normal "new baby in the house" money. We have to worry about whether we have enough money to even create a new baby. At this point I'm sad to say that TTC is taking a back burner to everything else going on right now. I still want another baby but as it becomes apparent that it's just not going to happen easily I have to accept that I can't control everything. I'm going to put away the thermometer and the OPK's. I'm going to try to stop obsessing about where I am in my cycle and try to go back to the way things were before we started TTC. At least for awhile.

More Mommy News

In our school district we have regular, neighborhood schools and magnet schools. Some of the magnet schools are also neighborhood schools so only kids that live outside of the neighborhood have to apply to them. Some of the magnet schools have specialized focuses like performing arts, science, computers or engineering. Some of the magnet schools just focus on the basics. Some require uniforms, some are really laid back. In February we went to the "Choices Fair" and got some information on the different magnet schools. We took tours of a couple and found one that both Ashton and I really liked. In March I sent in an application for magnet schools for Ashton. We could put three choices on the application but I was really hoping he'd get selected for our first choice. The selection process is completely random. If your application is selected they look to see what your first choice school is and if there is still room you are selected for that school. If all of the slots for your first choice are full then your are put on the waiting list for all three of your choices.

This week we got a letter back from the school district. I have been anxiously waiting for the letter because I really didn't want Ashton to go to our neighborhood school. I love our house but our neighborhood isn't the greatest. Luckily, Ashton was selected for our first choice! Here is some information on the school (I have put a * in place of the school name):

* Open Magnet School is a school community. The community consists of students, staff, and families working together toward the common goal of providing quality education for the children of *. The * community finds great academic and social value in looping and multi-aged classrooms. Both enable the students and families to become comfortable with a teacher and peers. Our * friends do not have to make a transition to a new learning environment each year. It also allows the teacher to get to know the learning style and personality of the students, which enables them to develop strategies for successful learning for each child. Currently, K-1 loop for two years but this is under discussion at this time. 2 loops to 3 and 4 loops to 5. This allows students and teachers to stay together for two years. Grades 2-5 are multi-aged. Since multi-aged classrooms consist of two age levels, peer teaching becomes a part of the learning process. Students also have the opportunity to become a leader, especially when they are a member of the older group in the classroom. Every classroom strives, through contract learning and job time to inspire all students to become independent, life long learners and responsible decision makers.

* Open Magnet School is a community, which includes students, teachers, staff, parents, and families. This community spirit is exhibited in an environment that reinforces values of honesty and integrity, based upon mutual respect between students and staff.

At * you see community when:

Students are called friends.
First names are used throughout the community.
Conflict resolution skills are used to solve problems.
Participatory decision-making involves students.
Each week begins with the school coming together for Community Time.
Volunteers from parents, grandparents, and the community.

Ashton really liked the school when we toured it and is really excited to be starting Kindergarten in August. We'll be going to Kindergarten Orientation next Thursday to find out what we'll need for enrollment and we'll be able to ask any questions then. I can't believe that it's already time to start thinking about Kindergarten. Time has flown by so quickly and won't be slowing down any time soon. I'm sure in a few years when Ashton starts middle school I'll be wondering where all the time has gone.

My Baby is Growing Up

Ashton has had a loose tooth for a few weeks now. I kept telling him to leave it alone, it would fall out on it's own. Last night he stayed the night at my parent's house and when I called this morning he told me he lost his tooth. He's only 5 and a half, it seems to early for him to be losing teeth.

Also, he'll be starting Kindergarten in the fall (he missed the cutoff for this school year by two weeks). Kindgergarten Orientation is next week. Time is just going by way too fast. We always said we'd like for Ashton to be in Kindergarten before we had another baby so I guess that's going according to plan, even though we changed that plan almost 2 years ago.

I also want to throw out there that my first Blogaversary is coming up next week. I'm thinking about doing a revamp of my blog so don't be surprised if you find it looking completely different next week.

Running is hard!

I weighed myself last Thursday. I really didn't want to but I just had to know how much weight I've gained. I've been in denial but since my "fat jeans" (the jeans that I used to be able to take of without unbuttoning) have gotten too tight I realize that it's time to suck it up and do something about it. I'm officially 7 pounds away from being as heavy as I was when I left the hospital after Ashton was born. That was after I gained 50+ pounds while pregnant. Yes, after hovering around 175-180 for almost 5 years I am now up to 206. After I lost my pregnancy weight I swore that I would never see a 2 at the beginning of my weight again. Now it's happened. I look in the mirror and think "if I was a little embryo would I want to implant into this body?". No, I wouldn't.

So what do I do about it? I suck at dieting. I love the South Beach diet and can follow it pretty well but it gets expensive and money is already tight. I find myself cheating at Weight Watchers after just a few weeks. I can do Slim Fast but it's nice to be able to actually eat food now and then. Diets aren't really good for you anyway. Don't "they" say that if you just diet until you lose weight and then go back to eating like you used to you'll just gain all the weight back? So no diets for me. I'm going to actually try to change my eating and exercise habits.

Here's my plan:

cut back on sugary snacks

quit drinking Caffeine Free Diet Coke and start drinking more water

start eating more fruits and veggies (this means I'll actually have to buy them)

quit eating fast food so often and pick healthy foods when I do eat fast food

get my jiggly butt moving everyday, even if it's just a walk around the block

make use of the many workout DVDs and On Demand workouts I have at my disposal

I have been thinking of trying the Couch to 5K plan and actually gave the week one workout a try this morning. Surprisingly I did ok but I'm not sure that my treadmill will hold up to it though so I might have to modify that plan. I'd love to become one of those crazies that actually loves working out and running but I have a feeling that's going to take some time.

The cost of not having a baby

How much does it cost to have a baby? Well, for "normal" people it doesn't actually get expensive until after the baby is born but for infertiles the costs start racking up long before that. Here's how much it has cost me to not be pregnant so far:

One failed Clomid cycle - $8.00
Initial visit to Dr. T and first u/s - $191.00
2 SA's - $70
CD 3 bloodwork and repeat u/s - $36.30
Bloodwork before lap - $26.80
Dr. T's charges for lap - $105.70
Bill for lap from the hospital - $2,863.82 (but one thing was coded wrong so that should end up being less)
Anesthesiology for lap - $70.52
Appendectomy (because it was covered in endo) - $99.90
Pathology for tissue removed during lap - $13.30

For a grand total of - $3485.34
Although, that should go down considerably after the hospital resubmits their claim. It's still a lot though. Infertility is one of the only businesses where the consumer forks over money not expecting a guaranteed return on their investment. And we just keep forking over the money as long as there is any glimmer of hope that one time it will work.

Secondary Infertility Article in The Telegraph

The Second Time Around posted an artile from The Telegraph on Secondary Infertility. The article does a great job of explaining the pain, anger and guilt that women suffering from Secondary Infertility go through, your child asking why he or she doesn't have a brother or sister, and how friends and even husbands don't always understand what we're going through. It's a good read, check it out.

Here are a few tidbits that really hit home with me:

I can never switch off my longing while the baby buggy clutters the hall and the cot is obscuring the entrance to the loft. I cannot throw a single item of my daughter’s clothes away or hand it on to another family in case, as I so desperately hope, I need it again. So I hoard weaning spoons, disposable swim nappies, bibs, alphabet blocks and teething rings. When I actually steel myself to throw away an old steriliser or set of well-used bottles, I do so through tears.

Mothers such as Lucy and me have to suppress more than just our sadness – we also have to rein in our frustration and irrational anger when those around us appear to become pregnant easily and repeatedly, revelling publicly in their fecundity. How awful it is, they say, to be pregnant again so quickly after the last one. Gosh, I just have to look at my husband and I’m expecting.

'Ever since I had my son, people have asked, “When are you going for number two?’’ and I would just smile,’ Lucy says. 'The truth was that we started trying almost straight away but it has just never happened. When people ask now I am honest and say, “We can’t seem to do it this time round’’, and they often look uneasy – but I would rather they ask. Sometimes I fear that people who don’t ask think that I don’t want another one, and that is really upsetting. The other day I volunteered to hold a friend’s eight-month-old baby (her second) and although she knew I had a child already, she said, surprised, “I didn’t think you liked babies.” I love babies but sometimes I avoid holding them because it triggers tears.’

Fertility Socks!

While browsing through the Ovusoft message boards tonight I came across a post titled Fertility Socks. Of course that got my attention. Basically, a women that used to frequent the boards started this site that sends out fun socks to infertile women. Basically they're something to wear to RE appointments to make something completely unfun a little more fun. If you are infertile and would like to request a pair of "Fertility Socks" or if you would like to donate a pair of socks go to Fertility Socks. You can also read about how "Fertility Socks" came to be.

And yes, I've already requested mine :)

What is the definition of insanity?

Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Well, if that's the case, sign me up! Yes, I am charting again. Danny actually asked me the other day why I was back to taking my temperature every morning. My answer: "because I'm retarded". Even though Dr. T has said that it will probably be almost impossible for me to get pregnant before I have another surgery I'm still holding on to that smallest of small chances that one of these cycles will work. Maybe I'm just in denial that my endo is as bad as Dr. T says. After all, I've been pregnant before so things must have worked once. The thing is though, I don't know how long I've had endo. My gut feeling is that I've had it for awhile and getting pregnant once before was just a miracle. But I'm not giving up so please, feel free to join me as I continue on my road to insanity!

For Friends and Family of the Infertile

This post is inspired by a post on one of the message boards I frequent. Someone posted asking what she should do to support a friend who was recently told her chances of becoming pregnant aren't good. Since I'm slowly letting family and friends know about this blog I thought it might be a good idea to post some links to articles and resources for friends and family of the infertile.

By far the best article I've seen is from the RESOLVE website:
Infertility Etiquette

There is also a list of resources on the Creating a Family site. A few different articles, a video and a couple of letters.

Feel free to check any or all of them out!

Today's RE Appointment

I had my post-op appointment with Dr. T this morning. I went in expecting to hear the worst and it was a good thing I had prepared myself. He said that I have pretty severe endometriosis. My uterus is actually pulled back and fused to my colon. There was endo on my appendix so that is why he removed my appendix. The opening of my left tube is blocked and my tube is very swollen with fluid. Dr T. suspects that I have hematosalpinx, which is blood collected in my tube. During my period some of the menstrual blood actually goes back into my tube and just collects there. The one bit of good news is that my left ovary is fine. There was no cyst on it, my tube is just so swollen that on the ultrasound it was too hard to distinguish between the tube and my ovary. What looked like an ovarian cyst on the ultrasound was actually the end of my tube. Dr T. said that with the severity of my endo it is very unlikely that I'll be able to have a spontaneous conception. My chances of getting pregnant the old fashioned way without more surgery aren't zero but they're pretty slim.

So what are my options now? Basically Dr T. I have two options. The endometriosis isn't a life threatening condition so I can choose to just let it be and if I want to get pregnant then I can try IVF. My other option is having another, more extensive surgery to remove all of the endo, try to unblock my left tube and remove the tube if it can't be unblocked. Dr. T said that my recovery time with the second surgery will be longer than with the first and in 95% of cases he is able to remove all of the endo with the scope so I wouldn't have any larger incisions.

I know that we can't afford IVF. One cycle of IVF costs about $15,000 and our insurance won't cover any of it. I'm not in a hurry to have another surgery with all that we have going on right now. The soccer season won't be over until mid-May and we also have who knows how many court dates and attorney appointments coming up for Jarrod. Dr. T said that I can basically have the surgery anytime so it's up to me to decide when is the best time. I'll take some time to let it all sink in and then discuss it with Danny before deciding but I'm pretty sure another surgery is in my near future.

Spring Blizzard?

So we were under a Blizzard Warning from Friday until Saturday afternoon. I'm not sure what's considered a blizzard here but I lived in Wyoming when I was younger so I've seen a blizzard. We ended up with a bunch of sleet and freezing rain that finally turned over to snow sometime really early Saturday morning. The guys on the news are trying to say that they didn't over predict the snow (they said we'd get 6-16 inches) because we offically got 7 inches. I'm wondering where they were measuring because we certainly didn't get 7 inches of snow here. Oh well, it was still enough to play in!

Baby Mama and Weather Drama

It has been a busy week! Wednesday I took the night off work so that Danny and I could go to the hearing for Jarrod. The hearing was supposed to be at 2 pm and we got there about 10 minutes early. Jarrod's mom and step-dad were already there so we found chairs as far from them as possible. After sitting for almost 45 minutes someone from the foster care agency handling Jarrod's case finally came to talk to Danny, then the lawyer representing Jarrod talked to him. The actual hearing didn't start until after 3 and nothing got accomplished anyway because Danny had to ask for a continuance so we can find a lawyer. Yep, that's right, we now get to hire an attorney. That will be a fun bill to add to the doctor's bills. Actually, I guess something did get accomplished. After the "hearing" the foster care social worker talked to Danny again and asked if he'd like to meet with Jarrod on Monday. I guess that when kids are put into foster care the parents are allowed a weekly, 1 hour, supervised visit. Danny hasn't seen Jarrod since Jarrod was 2 so Monday will be the first time in about 12 years that they will have talked. I wish I could be there but I really can't take more time off work, plus I think Danny needs some alone time to get to know Jarrod and for Jarrod to work out some of the anger he's built up over the last 12 years. So no real baby mama drama yet but that's because Jarrod's mom doesn't know how to contact us and she doesn't know that Danny is getting to visit Jarrod Monday.

Then there's the weather. We're one week into spring and under a blizzard warning. Yes, blizzard. So far all we've gotten here is a bunch of sleet with some freezing rain and a tiny bit of snow mixed in. It's enough to make the roads horrible though. I jumped at the chance to leave work early tonight even though I knew I should stay. As it was I had about a quarter of an inch of ice to scrape off my car windows and I barely managed to go 20 mph on the main roads and 10 on our street. Before it's over this storm is supposed to dump 6-10 inches of snow on us. Stay tuned for pictures!

Finally feeling "normal"

After a week and a half I'm finally feeling better. It's a good thing too because I go back to work today. I think I tried to overdo it this weekend and ended up sleeping almost 12 hours Saturday night. Ashton's soccer coach got deployed and none of the other parents would volunteer to take over so I made the mistake of volunteering. I figured it wouldn't be that hard to stand on the sideline and make substitutions. Boy was I wrong! Coaching 4-6 year-olds is not easy! I had to go out on the field with them and follow them around to help referee. By halfway through the game I had to go sit down and leave it to the other team's coach. After all the rest Saturday night I'm feeling better though. I even managed to do some walking yesterday and today without getting totally exhausted. Now we'll see how the night at work goes.

Lap Update

Just a quick post from me, sitting at the computer is not at all comfortable right now. My lap was on Thursday and I'm still pretty sore. It went ok though. I was very nauseous after the surgery was done and I actually got sick twice so I had to stay at the hospital a little longer than is usual so they could make sure I'd be able to keep liquids and food down. I didn't get to talk to Dr. T after the surgery but he did talk to Danny and my mom. It sounds like I have pretty bad endo, not sure what stage though. I think he did take care of the cyst but Danny and my mom aren't sure if he said he did. I also got my appendix taken out, I'm guessing because it was covered in endo. Dr. T took some pictures and gave me copies, it's really interesting to see my insides! Now the not so great news. My left tube is really inflamed and he also found endo on my colon. Since I didn't do a bowel prep before the surgery I get to have another lap I'm not sure when it will be but he'll take care of the endo on my colon then and also will probably remove my left tube. I have a post-op appointment on the 31st so I'm guessing he'll go over the game plan then. I'm really not sure what to think about losing my tube. I know I've heard success stories from women with only one tube so that gives me a little bit of hope.

And just to add to the fun I've been having, Danny had minor eye surgery yesterday and will have another one on Wednesday. Plus, we got a certified letter last week about Danny's other son, Jarrod. Apparently his step-father has been abusing him and he was put into foster care. There is a hearing on the 25th so we'll be going to find out if there's any chance he'll be able to come live with us. He's 14 and I'm not sure I'm ready for a teenager but I think it would be the best thing for him to be in a stable home with someone he's actually related to.

Back Again

After going MIA for awhile I am back to blog! February was a busy month for us and I actually was trying to stay away from the computer. Ashton had his first ever eye appointment, mostly because his regular doctor noticed that his right eye turns in. The eye doctor said that he'll need to wear glasses to try to correct it. Hopefully if that works he won't need glasses because his vision is actually pretty good.

Danny's birthday was also last month. We took a trip south with some friends to visit some casinos. None of us won big but Danny broke even and I only lost $20 so I guess it was a successful trip. I made a cheesecake for Danny instead of a birthday cake and it was quite yummy!

We also found out that Danny's hours at work have been cut. He's now working 8.5 hours a day, four days a week so he'll have Friday's off. That will actually save us a little bit of money on daycare so maybe it will work out ok.

I got my laparoscopy scheduled for March 12. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow for some pre-admission things (not sure exactly what they're going to do but I'm going!). Then I have a pre-op appointment with Dr. T Tuesday. I'll be off work for awhile after the surgery and I'm trying to figure out exactly how much time to take off. I had originally thought a week would be fine but after reading some experiences from ladies on Ovusoft I'm wondering if I'll feel up to working after a week. At this point I think I'll put in for next Thursday and Friday and then the whole week after that. I'll talk to Dr. T on Tuesday and see if he thinks I'll need longer. Hopefully since I have a cushy sit down job I won't need much more than that. I do have plenty of sick leave available but I'd like to use as little as possible just in case I by some miracle manage to get pregnant.

Repeat U/S

I've been sick for the past 3 days so I haven't felt like sitting at the computer. I did see my RE yesterday for another u/s though and wanted to post an update. The cyst is still there and the RE said that it looks like my ovary might have even attached to my uterus because of the pressure from the cyst. So in the words of my RE "that buys me a ticket to the OR". I'll be having a lap next cycle. He said that we could try to squeeze it in this week but I need time to put in for time off work plus I feel crappy this week already, no need to add to it. He canceled my HSG since I'm having a lap done anyway. He said that if he thinks I really need the HSG he can just do it while I'm out for the lap. So I get to call on CD 1 and schedule surgery. I'm pretty nervous because I've never had any kind of surgery before and never had to be put under. I'm just glad it's an outpatient surgery.

More tests

I went in today for my CD 3 labs. Not sure when I should have the results. My RE's office has a voicemail box for each patient to call in to check labs. They never put Danny's SA information on mine though, I had to ask today. The nurse and the lab tech both said his numbers look fine. I didn't get copies and I don't remember the exact count but motility was 57% and morphology was 11%. The lab tech said that she hardly ever sees morphology much higher than that because their standards for "normal" are so high. I also finally got to see the numbers from his first SA. Count was normal, motility 43% and morph. 8%. So both motility and morph. went up! I'm going back in on Tuesday morning for another ultrasound and then my HSG is Friday morning.

Stupid AF

AF showed up this morning after spending all day yesterday teasing me. I called the RE's office this morning to get everything scheduled (blood work, HSG, ultrasound). The way they do things is you call them and leave a message for a nurse. The nurse gets your chart and calls you back. So now I'm waiting for them to call back. I'm really mad at AF, not for showing up but for waiting so long to show up. A 15 day LP? That's crazy! My LP is usually 13 days at the longest. Plus now I'll have to take Ashton with me when I go in for blood work. He's at grandma's today but he's coming home tomorrow. So now I get to be the jerk that brings a kid to the RE with me. Wonderful.

I tried to do the 30 Day Shred this morning. I say "tried" because I only made it through about 10 minutes before I was so out of breath I thought I was going to die. I guess I'm more out of shape than I thought. I'm going to give it another try tomorrow though. I am not quitting!

Ups and Downs

Yesterday was Super Bowl XLIII and my favorite team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, actually won! This makes the sixth Super Bowl the franchise has won, the most in the NFL. Go Steelers!!

Then I woke up this morning and temped. Major temp drop. AF should be making an appearance today. My chart this cycle looked sooo good (nice, high temps, a long LP) but I did have a lot of spotting. I don't know if it was the Clomid or the cyst but I have never had that much spotting before. So as soon as AF makes her appearance I'll be calling the RE to schedule CD 3 blood work, an HSG and a repeat ultrasound. I really hope they won't have to do too many ultrasounds because insurance doesn't cover them and they're $173 each. I thought the expensive part of having a baby was supposed to happen after the baby was born.

Also with AF's arrival comes the start of 30 Day Shred. My mom brought me some hand weights so I'll be all ready to start tomorrow morning!

30 Day Shred

Between the stress of TTC, the holidays and having a sedentary job I've managed to put on about 20 pounds since the summer. When I first started this blog last year I was doing Weight Watchers and had managed to lose a little bit of the weight I'd put on after I switched jobs (I went from a very active job to a completely sedentary one last February). We started having problems with our finances though so I quit going to WW and went back to buying not so healthy but much cheaper foods. About a month ago I noticed that my "fat pants" were getting tight. Not good. So I dug out the bathroom scale and when I saw that I now weigh as much as I did 2 months after Ashton was born I knew it was time to do something about it.

I started trying to eat better. I try to stay away from the vending machines at work. I'm trying to drink more water and pick lower calorie foods. The number on the scale hasn't budged so it's time to go further. I bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred yesterday and am planning on starting it on Monday. Why not today? Well, I'm waiting to see if, by some miracle, I actually get a BFP this cycle. I know that exercise probably won't hurt anything at this point but if I start the DVD now and then get a BFN my mind will put them together and I'll quit exercising before I even get started.

Really?

The other day Ashton and I went to get some Chinese take out. He only likes chicken fried rice but I was really wanting some crab rangoon, sweet and sour chicken and lemon chicken. My favorite Chinese place doesn't do "combo" meals so I would have had to settle for sweet and sour chicken and crab rangoon. So we went to one that does do combos. We've gone there before, it was good, the lady behind the counter was friendly. Not this time. The lady behind the counter barely spoke to me except to grunt something that I guessed was an "what do you want?". Anyway, we got our food and drove home. I settled into my comfy chair, already looking forward to the yummy goodness I was about to encounter. I open up my styrofoam container and see no sweet and sour sauce. Really? The rude lady wouldn't think that I would want sweet and sour sauce to go with my sweet and sour chicken? Rather than drive halfway across town again we went to the closest grocery store and bought some La Choy sauce. Not nearly as good as restaurant sauce. So now I'm out $12 bucks and I still have a Chinese food craving.

Doctor Tuesday #2

This Tuesday was the second Tuesday in a row that I had a doctor appointment. Last week was the RE appointment with Dr. T, this week I got to see my family doctor, Dr. R. When I went in for a regular checkup last month Dr. R noticed a couple of moles on my back that she wanted to remove and send to pathology to have them checked out. Tuesday was my mole removal appointment. She took one off my left shoulder and one off the lower left of my back. I got two stitches on each after she cut them off. Boy did they hurt after the pain meds wore off! I took Tuesday night off work in anticipation of the pain and I'm glad I did. Yesterday wasn't much better, extra strength Tylenol helped some but I was still uncomfortable at work. I did sleep better last night though and they don't seem to hurt as much today. I go back to Dr. R next Tuesday for my well woman exam and to have the stitches removed.

In the land of TTC, it looks like I O'd on Sunday. Our timing was ok this cycle but I'm still not going to get my hopes up. AF is due to arrive on February 1, just in time for the Super Bowl (go Steelers!). If AF arrives on time then I'll be going in to have CD 3 blood work done on Tuesday, Feb. 3. Yes, another Tuesday appointment, the 4th in a row.

Tomorrow Ashton, my mom and I are going to the Choices Fair the local school district has every year. It's a chance for us to check out all of the magnet schools and decide if we'd like to have Ashton go to one of them next year instead of our neighborhood school. I can't believe that it's already time to start thinking about Kindergarten for next year!

RE Apointment

The appointment went well. I really like our doctor. He seems to really know what he's talking about and didn't try to sugar coat anything. He told us not to worry about the Lyrica, that he really doesn't think it will cause us any problems. He wants me to have all of my CD 3 blood work done again and have an HSG done next cycle before he gives us a treatment plan. Danny had another SA done today so we'll see how his numbers are compared to the last one.

The doctor did an ultrasound today which kind of surprised me. It showed that I have a retroverted uterus, which I already knew from when I was pregnant with Ashton. My right ovary is "beautiful" but I have an endometriosis cyst (endometrioma) on my left ovary. He said that in most cases they are usually benign but if it doesn't go away on it's own then I'll have to have surgery to remove it. He did say that there is a chance that it is a corpus luteum cyst but probably not. I'll go back next month for another ultrasound to see if it has gone away or gotten smaller. If it hasn't then I'll have laproscopic surgery to remove it. He did mention that there is a chance that I could lose my left ovary but if it comes to surgery he would try to save it.

Not really what I was expecting to hear but if this is what has been causing all of our problems and it can be fixed then that's good. He also said no more Clomid for now. He'd like to see what my body does without any medication first, then see if I need to move on to Clomid or other drugs.

Some info I found:
What is an endometrioma?

An endometrioma is a mass of tissue (noncancerous cyst or tumor) that contains shreds of endometrial tissue. Endometriomas most frequently occur in the ovary, in a part of the peritoneum (sac around the internal organs) between the rectum and uterus, the wall (septum) between the rectum and vagina, and the outside of the uterus.

How are endometriomas treated?

Several surgical treatments are available for endometriomas:

Simple puncture - This procedure is completed by draining the fluid from the cyst. Endometriomas have been shown to recur in about 50 percent of the patients treated with simple puncture. However, a more aggressive surgical approach, such as cutting away the mass, can cause extensive adhesions (scar tissue) that may prevent the ovary from releasing an egg.
Ablation - Another approach is to drain the cyst and remove its base with laser or electrosurgery. However, heat can also damage the ovary.
Cutting away of the cyst wall - This is the procedure of choice to decrease recurrence of disease. This procedure can also damage the outer layer of the ovary that contains the eggs.
Draining, drug therapy, and surgery - Endometriomas can also be drained, treated with medication, and later removed by surgery. Endometriomas recur in 8 percent of the patients treated with this procedure. Results from several different prospective studies have reported pregnancy rates of 50 percent over 3 years. There are no randomized clinical trials comparing these different treatment methods.

Doctor vent

Yesterday I was setting up our mail order prescriptions. Danny has quite a few because he's Type 1 diabetic. I got to wondering if any of the prescriptions he takes could have an affect on his sperm quality since I've heard that some can affect motility and morph and both were a little low on his SA. One medicine he's been taking for over 2 years now is Lyrica. He uses it to help with his nerve pain (it has to do with his diabetes). So I'm reading the drug facts about it when I notice this:
Men who are planning for fatherhood should also talk with their doctor before taking Lyrica. Studies showed that the drug made male animals less fertile. Also, birth defects occurred in the offspring of male animals who were treated with pregabalin.

I was with Danny when the doctor prescribed this so he knows that DH is married and would then possibly want to father another child. He never mentioned this to us at all. I know that really we should have read about it before he started taking it but if a drug has serious side effects aren't doctors supposed to at least mention them? I am so angry and frustrated that this could be what's keeping us from conceiving and even if we do conceive that baby could have birth defects. We have an RE appt. tomorrow so I plan to ask him about this. This is my first Clomid cycle and now I'm terrified to even TTC :(

ETA:
I found more information on Lyrica. A study was done with male rats:
In fertility studies in which male rats were orally administered pregabalin (50 to 2500 mg/kg) prior to and during mating with untreated females, a number of adverse reproductive and developmental effects were observed. These included decreased sperm counts and sperm motility, increased sperm abnormalities, reduced fertility, increased preimplantation embryo loss, decreased litter size, decreased fetal body weights, and an increased incidence of fetal abnormalities. Effects on sperm and fertility parameters were reversible in studies of this duration (3-4 months).

I'm really hoping that the RE has some information on this. I'm really interested in the "increased preimplantation embryo loss". I could have actually been pregnant several times in the last year and a half and the embryo just didn't implant. I'm guessing we'll probably have to avoid getting pregnant for awhile. It takes about 90 days for new sperm to form so we may have to wait until April to start trying again.

Clomid: All done!

I took my last Clomid yesterday. I still haven't had any of the horrible side effects I've read about. It makes me wonder if the Clomid is even doing anything.

In a completely unrelated topic, I get to go to the doctor every Tuesday for the next 3 weeks. This week is our RE appointment, then next week I get to have some moles removed, then the next week is my annual. Oh the joy. I decided to take the night off work next Tuesday since I'm not sure how much the mole removal will hurt and one of the ones being removed is on my lower back. I'm guessing it won't be much fun to sit in a desk chair with my clothes rubbing against it all night so I'm taking a sick day. I checked my last pay stub and I have over 140 hours of sick leave saved up so I figure I might as well use some since it doesn't look like I'll be needing any for maternity leave any time soon.

Clomid: Day 4

Day 4 of Clomid and really still no side effects. I've been tired but that could be because I haven't been sleeping well. I think I'm too excited about this cycle. Last night at work I had a slight headache that would come and go. Other than that, nothing.

Ashton and I went to the library yesterday. It was his first time at the library (that he remembers) and he really enjoyed picking out some books. He got two about World War II airplanes. I picked up Waiting for Daisy and Inconceivable. I guess we can see where our interests are right now.

Clomid: Day 1

Yes, I am officially taking fertility medication. And of course this morning I woke up to find news of my niece's new baby in my email. Surprisingly I didn't feel sad or really even upset at all. I've really been in a better state of mind about this whole TTC business and I think I can give the credit to my doctor. She really took the time to listen to my frustration and asked a lot of questions. I think it also helps that we finally have an appointment with an RE. It really feels like, after a year and a half of going nowhere, we are finally headed down a road that will lead to a baby.

Happy New Year! On to Cycle 20 :(

What a way to start the new year. After having a chart that looked amazing last week, AF showed up this morning right on schedule. So I guess I'll be starting Clomid on Tuesday. I dropped off my Clomid prescription yesterday so I'll probably go tomorrow or Tuesday morning to pick it up. I got the results of the blood work I had done at my doctor's appointment and I apparently have a vitamin D deficency so I also get to start taking a vitamin D supplement. Yay for more pills!